Forgiver not a fool

My whole life I've been quick to forgive, some would say to a fault (people will look for anything to criticize, right?! ). I've known the importance of forgiveness from a very young age. My mother taught me, very clearly, that unforgiveness hurts you way more than your opposition. I'm far from perfect in so many ways, but unforgiveness isn't something I generally struggle with. When I got married it was harder. To be clear, I don't mean it's hard to forgive my husband! :) Lord knows we've both needed a lot of forgiveness over the years! But, I find it so much harder to forgive those that wrong him than when I'm wronged myself. And my kids, that's a whole different level of self-control when that Mama-Bear wants to jump out!

Forgiveness is wonderful, and freeing, and a necessity to live a happy, fulfilling life. The Bible clearly instructs us to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us (Colossians 3:13). I'm certainly not saying you, or I, should forgive any less. Unforgiveness will tear you up from the inside out. It's a dangerous virus that will erode your relationships, invade every area of your life and destroy everything it touches. It doesn't matter how deep the wound, to what level you've been wronged, or even whether or not your offender has repented. Forgiveness is, at minimum, for your own sanity.

Even though God has most certainly instructed us to be forgivers, He never intended for us to be fools. Have you ever watched a girl return to the same idiotic, abusive, cheating (etc, etc, etc...) boyfriend over and over and over and you want nothing more than to slap her upside the head and say "What's wrong with you?!" No? Just me? Well, if you haven't ever watched the cycle from the outside, it's gut-wrenching! Especially when nothing you say or do seems to help. She knows she deserves better, or at least she says she does, but keeps returning to the cycle for further destruction. This girl is acting like a fool (Webster defined: a person who acts unwisely or imprudently; a silly person). If a situation is harmful, wisdom would instruct us to remove ourselves and even take cover when necessary. If you were in the middle of a physical storm you would apply this logic, so why wouldn't we apply that wisdom to our relationships?

By definition, a friend is "one that is not hostile (harmful or deadly)" (Webster). If you're in a relationship that is harmful or deadly, GET OUT!! I've been in both friendships and romantic relationships that fall under this category. I know it's rarely easy to leave, but your life will be better because of it. You're not showing nobility by standing beside a toxic person. You're not more "holy" because you forgive and return for more abuse. You are a child of the King and you should be loved and respected. Sometimes, when others aren't walking in that love (for themselves or for you), you need to walk in love and forgive from a distance.

So what DOES it mean to forgive? Let's look:

FORGIVE:

Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

To give up resentment of or claim to requital.

Bonus definition:

REQUITAL: something given in return, compensation, or retaliation

In summation, to forgive someone is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward them, even if they're not sorry. That last part is where it can take that difficulty up a notch. Repentance from the other party is not a prerequisite for forgiveness. You can come against me, spread lies about me, even make every attempt to destroy me, and I can choose to walk away, forgive and move on. Ideally, forgiveness will lead to healing on both sides and a relationship with that person can be salvaged. But, in the case of habitual behavior, or when the other party doesn't seem interested in change, sometimes you have a choice to make: to return and open yourself up for further abuse, or to recognize the danger for what it is and remove yourself from the situation. Knowing when to move on can be an intensely complicated and emotional process. There's no cookie-cutter formula here.

Sometimes, an enemy sneaks up on you, disguised as a friendly face. The Bible references this as a "wolf in sheeps clothing" (Matthew 7:15). Maybe, someone you thought was a friend, reveals their true intent isn't exactly in your best interest. I'm not talking about a friend that makes a mistake; we've all been in need of a friend's forgiveness. But, when that "friend" repeatedly proves toxic, it's probably time to walk away. Choose to be a forgiver, not a fool. It may be painful at first, but there's so much freedom in accepting that everyone doesn't have to be, or even should be, amongst your inner-circle. Sure, it may sting at first, but there's relief and peace that follows walking away when it's time.

Anytime I've been in this situation, it's been incredibly painful. That person was a part of my life for a reason, and betrayal on any level hurts, but the closer to the heart they were, the deeper it cuts. No one is immune to this pain. Honestly, it's been one of our biggest struggles in ministry. What?! You mean your Pastors experience pain and betrayal too?! Absolutely! Quite frankly, it sucks! It hurts to pour your heart into someone and be repaid with lies or betrayal. But, every single time I'm reminded: they lied about Jesus too, he was even betrayed by someone in his inner-circle. And do you know what he did? He prayed, "Father, forgive them" as they took his life. I don't pretend to have ever handled it with nearly that kind of grace, and it still hurts every single time, but I find comfort that my Father truly does understand that pain.

I'm happy to say, in most of my experiences, these relationships have been restored at a later time. Sometimes it's just time to walk away, or allow them to walk away, for a season, to allow God to work in the situation. Other times, it's that I need to keep that person as a friendly acquaintance and just not as a trusted confidant. Your relationship may never look the same, and at times, that's for the best. God's the only one that can change a heart, so the best thing we can do is step back, pray, be obedient to His direction (which He will give, if you ask), and let God be God. He's infinitely better at it than us!

So what now? Once I've discovered the wolf, and decided to take a step back, what do I do next? How about a passive aggressive post on social media that will invoke a flood of affirmation?! No! Remember, we're choosing forgiveness, which means we're not going to feel anger or resentment and we're not looking for any type of compensation or retaliation. If that's your goal, you're not yet walking in forgiveness. Time to go back to the drawing board and start again, as many times as it takes! Forgiveness is a choice, and sometimes it takes our emotions a bit to catch up, but they will get there too.

Sometimes, you can physically move on and that person is removed from your life. But, more often, at least in my experience, the person remains, it's my approach that must change. Sometimes that foe is in your family, or your workplace, or some other semi-permanent fixture in your life. How do you handle that?

Let's look at Matthew 5:

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

The answer? We love. Always. No matter what their response is. We love them. This doesn't mean you're their best friend, or even confide anything at all in them. You can walk in love (and wisdom) from a distance, even within the same room. You can't control the actions of anyone but you. If every time you had your toddler a dish, he throws it down and shatters it on the floor, do you continue to give him your nicest plates? Of course not, that's foolish! You would change your approach. You would probably learn to only trust him with less valuable, more durable pieces, at least in this season. It's perfectly acceptable to apply this to relationships that need adjustment as well. It's not out of bitterness or to punish that person, it's simply using wisdom to set boundaries where needed.

Regardless of the situation, you can pray for God's best for them. Not a selfish prayer, that they see the error of their ways and come back begging for your forgiveness. Remember, you've already forgiven and moved on from the hurt. But you can pray that they find a relationship with the Lord, or progress in the one they have. You can pray that they find healing and peace where pain and brokenness may currently reside and for Christ-centered relationships to enhance their life. Pray they see God's goodness and earnestly seek His purpose for them. You can pray for blessings for them and their family and that in those blessings they see the goodness of a loving God. If you honestly are walking in love for this person, these are the things you want for them and it's the only place they will find true happiness. I'm willing to bet you'll find happiness here as well!