Desperate for Answers

Sept 11, 2020

One year ago today, I spent my evening watching the sun set through the double windows in the back of an ambulance. Just under 3 months from the biggest health scare of my entire life, I was being sent to Lubbock for complications in my colon. 87 days from the day we received a promise of healing, the answer to a battle we didn’t even know the depth of yet, which was 3 days before we even had the diagnosis. 84 days from the day we heard the report of “colon cancer that has metastasized to your liver and left lung”. 73 days from the day we heard those famous words that sparked a new vision for ministry inside of us, “Who Said?”. We had barely began processing all that we had been through and what was supposed to be next. I had been riding on the high of the miracle that happened inside of me and then the past 2 weeks knocked me back on my butt. For 2 months I was great! The symptoms that took me to the doctor originally had completely disappeared. And then they reared their ugly head worse than ever before. This was my second ER visit in a week, and only the third in my entire life. This time, instead of sending me home with antacids, they were rushing me to a bigger hospital with a GI wing better equipped to handle my illness. I was comforted that the scans still lined up with the good report we received in June. There still weren’t tumors like they saw just a few months ago. But, my colon was “very angry” (ER doc’s words, not mine), swollen and literally torn open in some areas.

I felt so broken. How could this happen? We’ve been sharing our testimony with anyone who will hear it, stories were beginning to come back to us about the encouragement it was bringing to others and we were celebrating so many victories. God's goodness and faithfulness was showing strong once again, and suddenly I felt like I'd had the wind knocked out of me. Things were going so well! What happened?!

So, as I laid there alone in the back of that ambulance, staring at the sunset, trying not to completely break down with paramedics 3 feet away, I had a talk with my Heavenly Father. I asked him all of my frustration-filled questions, I told him I was scared and then I even got angry. At first I was angry at the situation. Angry that I’d already been through so much and pitying myself that now I was in yet another health battle. And then I got angry at myself for feeling so defeated, and so shortly after such a huge victory had taken place in my life. How could I be so ungrateful?!

And in that moment, it's like a light switch flipped and I suddenly recognized the attack happening in my mind. Instantly, a different kind of anger began rising up inside of me. The stupid enemy got his butt handed to him in the last fight, and now he was back for more, but I wasn’t going to take it! I knew it before this moment, and had even said those exact words earlier in the week, but he'd managed to sneak in with doubt and condemnation and I’d had enough! I wasn’t going to continue down this road of “why me” and allow lies to fill my head. Instead, I reminded myself that I’m a child of God, and just like He’s always done, He will protect me again.

For the rest of the ride, I relaxed and enjoyed the beautiful colors of the sunset peeking through the windows, listened to the gentle rain tap on the roof as we drove, and rested in the peaceful, comforting arms of my Father. He reminded me of His promises and that there's never a challenge that I face alone. I didn’t need to ask any more questions, I stopped trying to figure out where things went wrong and I just chose to trust and rest. The why's and how's didn't really matter so much, because I was focusing on WHO holds my answers and healing. Suddenly what started as an awful, emotional ride, transformed into exactly what I needed: my Father’s comforting arms wrapped around me like a blanket of peace. It's amazing how quickly we can flip the script when we cut off the lies of the enemy and choose to relax in the presence of truth and love.

I hope this encourages you in the face of a trial. I believe it's important that I not only share the victories that we can shout about together, but the raw facts that lead to that victory. I am not, nor would I ever claim to be some "super-spiritual" person that never has a doubt, never feels fear or anxiety and who never struggles thru a challenge. Sure, sometimes the enemy comes to throw hands and I'm prepared and shut it down immediately. Other times, he's sneakier, or I'm unprepared or oblivious, and almost before I even know it, I've allowed him to take too much ground. An inch may as well be a mile, because this is God's house and he has NO ownership rights, so kick him out the door! He doesn't even have the keys to his own house, because my Jesus took the keys of death, hell & the grave long ago, so don't let him have the keys to yours! The enemy fights hard and dirty, BUT your God is bigger, better, stronger, and best of all, He's ALREADY THE VICTOR! So if the moment gets away from you and you start down that path of "why me?" or you have started to believe the lies the enemy tries to sneak through, know that you're not alone. Weak moments may come, temptation will certainly come, but His grace is sufficient and your Father is always right there with you and with Him fighting your battles, losing isn't even a possibility! Facing a battle or challenges is NOT the same as a loss, so don't allow that lie to tear you down or belittle your God. Satan is fighting hard because he is terrified of what you can do, but it doesn't matter what he brings, what report may arise, because we only stand on the truth that comes from our Father. When a thought enters your mind, ask your self: "Who said?". If the answer isn't "God said!", then throw that trash out and remind yourself of His truths that contradict...no...that OVERRULE that lie! Praise God it feels good to WIN!