Words

How do you stand in faith when you can’t even hear or speak the words without completely breaking down? This morning I walked into the doctor’s office ready to hear a report that I knew wouldn’t be the final verdict. I feel like God even prepared me to hear that ugly C word, but I wasn’t ready for what came next: “colon cancer that has metastasized to your liver and left lung”. I don’t even have to google that to know the prognosis. It’s BAD. So much worse than I ever thought I was walking in to. Not that I could do any of it on my own anyway, but now it’s certain, I need a MIRACLE. I HAVE to have a MIRACLE. God’s not done with me. With us. As Jason worded it, “There’s still too much to do”. God has given us a vision that is nowhere near complete, so this attack CANNOT prevail. Does the magnitude of the situation intimidate God? Of course not! He wasn’t surprised by this at all. I know He gave me the answer before I ever walked in to this appointment so that I could rest in the fact that He’s got this. But it’s HARD.

I mostly held it together while the doctor was in the room, but when they walked out, I cratered. I don’t think I can even describe the flood of emotion that overwhelmed me in that moment. I’m so thankful I had Jason by my side. I’m also incredibly thankful to have a bold christian doctor that stepped out to remind us of a greater report than the one she had to deliver to us today. “I may not know you two very well, and I know you don’t know me either, so I don’t know exactly what you believe, but I know that God is able” she said. GOD IS ABLE!! It’s not that it was some profound revelation to me. She didn’t say anything I didn't already know to be truth. But, in that moment, it was the reminder I needed to hear. God used her to add another blanket of “I’ve got this” to wrap around me when a tidal wave of emotions were headed my way. So, as we sat there in the exam room, we attempted to process the news. The medical staff was in and out as they made numerous phone calls around the region to find an opening for a PET scan and a specialist to refer me to. Jason reminded us both that this is simply one report and we already have THE report. Jesus took care of this with the cross, He’s already won this battle, so we will rest in His victory and not in the report in front of us. We will do everything we need to in the natural, but we know our final answer already lies in what Jesus has done.

Before we even got to the car, I knew we needed backup. We needed to assemble a small, deliberate team to support us through this. God is good, and perfect, and has this all under control, but we are not. Try as we might, we are flawed, imperfect, and there is no room for failing here. We need a small but mighty team that we can lean on when it gets tough. As hard as this appointment just was, I know it probably wasn’t the hardest part we’ll face and we need to be proactive. “I want to call your parents, we need to meet with them right now”, I told Jason after we got in the car. God has blessed us with amazing family and friends and although we know better than to blast news like this to the world, we also know the danger in trying to go it alone. I have a tendency to shut down when I’m battling something and I know it’s not spiritually healthy. I’m not a “let’s talk about my problems in great detail” kind of girl. I’m an introvert and fairly non-confrontational by nature. Reaching out for help has been a great challenge for me in the past. Even with Jason, it took years of our marriage to not shut down in an argument or feel bold enough to discuss inadequacies. I’ve seen this tendency destroy relationships and isolate people from the very support they need when battling with something in their life. We can’t take that road, there’s too much at stake here. We will have to be very purposeful about who we tell and when. We don’t need hyper emotional feedback from those that may not understand where or faith is or that will only focus on the natural meaning of these test results. We need people who will remind us of the biblical truths and help us stand if it gets too much to bare alone.

So Jason’s parents met us at the house. They are not only our family, but our pastors, and the first piece to our support team. We told them the report we received from the doctor and what the next step was. For the first time, we discussed the word that Daniel had been given on Sunday and I said, “that was for me”. As we talked, we all knew that day it was for me. Daniel said, “I didn’t even think about this situation when the Lord gave me the word, but after, as I looked around and I saw you worshipping, I thought the same thing.“ Jason said he couldn't hold back the tears while leading worship that morning and had to step back from the mic, as he too knew that word of healing was ours. All of this confirmation felt like a fort being built around me.

I knew the next piece to our team was my family and I didn’t know how to make that call to my mom. I was going to have to say the words and they just made me want to vomit. Jason told his parents, so I hadn’t had to verbalize that diagnosis yet. Daniel told us to make sure when we told anyone about the test results, we also made it clear where our faith was and what God had already promised. So I had a plan in place, but I wasn’t ready. I was worried about my mom. What if she’s alone? She has a lot on her plate already. My mom is the strongest woman I’ve ever known and she has faith that moves mountains. So many people confide in her and she has such a great ministry of encouragement that I’m not even sure she‘s aware of. But, I’m also her baby and I can’t even imagine how I’d feel being 600 miles away from my little girl and hearing news like this. I had to make sure she had support too. So I called my brother, who lives within minutes of her. He was the first person I told, the first time I had to say those disgusting words, and I could barely get them out. I had to pause and through tears say “I’m really so much better than I sound. I’m really okay. I know it’s going to be okay”. It was just those stupid words. Once I finally got through it and made sure he’d take care of whatever mom needed, I hung up and stopped to regroup before making the call to my mom. I asked the Lord to help me speak to her more calmly and control my emotions. As the phone started to ring I heard “I gave you the answer before the diagnosis. Do the same for her”. My mom already knew what we had faced so far with the issues I was having and that we were waiting on test results. I hadn’t told her about Sunday’s word yet, so I jumped in there and told her what God had done for us. I still didn’t like anything about the taste of those words about the diagnoses when I got to them, but working through them with my brother and prefacing with what God has promised us as well, made it a little easier the second time around. My faith was growing as I told the story. The words came out a little more confidently because the spoiler in the story is VICTORY! Victory is my new emotional safe word. When a thought comes that isn’t victorious, I shut my eyes and remind myself that we already have the victory.

After such an emotional day, I desperately needed the massage I had scheduled for this evening. I considered canceling when Jason asked if I was still going, but honestly, it felt like giving it up was a minor defeat and that was the last feeling I needed, so I went. Maybe it sounds trivial in light of the situation at hand, but it was important to me. I didn't have it in me to say the words again, so I didn't tell her anything about the week I've had or the battle we're facing. Instead, I laid there in silence, prayed and tried to think of every single victory He's walked me through in life so far. As she worked on restoring my body I focused on restoring my mind to God's promises. It's a powerful combo!

Practical Victory Tip: I‘ve started a playlist entitled ”Victory” because I’ve found that when the voice of the enemy is screaming fearful thoughts in my ear, I can either choose to fight an exhausting battle against his words, or I can completely drown him out and get lost and consumed with worship and reminders of the promises of God. One choice leaves me entirely exhausted, from fighting a battle that isn’t even mine, the other leaves me encouraged and strengthened. Kind of a no-brainer, right?!

UPDATE: This playlist (Spotify & Apple Music) can be found under the Resources page on this site and is now titled Who Said.