When Help Hurts

Have you ever watched a friend or family member go through something gut-wrenching? To be wronged by someone else? All you want in the moment is to make it all okay for them again, to help them heal. Sometimes, thoughts of revenge even sneak in the back door before we even realize they’re on property. Maybe the first intention is trying to help that loved one by "standing up for them" or "setting the story straight". Maybe your prayer requests to everyone that will listen aren't really just a ploy to spread gossip about the situation. Or, maybe you're just flat out vindictive and don't care who knows it. Whether your attempts at “helping” are innocent or malicious, they may be anything BUT helpful...

So your friend, loved one, whoever it is, has been wounded. It hurts. It's awful to watch those you love in pain and all you want to do is make it right for them. You want to do everything you can to take that pain away, right? So, you set out on your mission to make it all better. Maybe you confront the wrong-doer directly. Maybe you call them out on facebook because "I want everyone to know the truth". Maybe you're less confrontational and come up with a well-meaning, passive-aggressive post to somehow solve the situation. Or perhaps you keep it off of social media but it's the topic of discussion everywhere you go. Meals or activities out with friends, that are meant to build each other up, become rallies for your "side", where you bash the other team. Before you know it, it’s all you seem to think and talk about. It’s consuming your life and relationships and somewhere along the way it transformed from defending someone you love into a war you’ve waged. But wait, you started with good intentions, you really wanted to help your friend, what happened? Where did it all go wrong? How did you go from "hating all the drama" to being the cause of it all? Mostly, when did this become your battle in the first place? You weren’t even the one wronged. Are you even still fighting for those you love, or has it become self-serving?

Your loved one NEEDS to heal. So whether they're sitting alongside quietly while everyone fights the "battle for justice" for them, or they're on the front lines leading the charge, it's certainly not helping them heal. Regardless of the rights/wrongs of the situations, what's best for them is simply healing and forgiveness. And every time you step in and perpetuate the problem, you're demolishing the bandages, the progress of their healing, and you're infecting that wound all over again. How are they supposed to progress when those closest to them are feeding the unforgiveness and discontentment that's holding them back?

Your wounded friend needs love. They may need a shoulder to cry on or someone to scream at periodically; but most importantly, they need someone that's going to lead the way in moving forward. They need a true friend, that’s strong enough to stand up, even in the midst of betrayal, and say “it’s time to let go and move forward”. The world is full of sin and ugliness. Bad things happen. Sometimes people just suck (sorry, not sorry?!). But that doesn't have to be us. It shouldn't be us. We should be leading the way towards healing and forgiveness, reminding our loved ones of who we belong to, and where our value comes from. In the midst of it all, we still serve a good God and we have a big job to do. We're supposed to be full of the light and the love of Jesus. If we're perpetuating darkness and unforgiveness instead, aren‘t we choking out the light? Our “help” that we intended to give our loved on has become the very toxin that‘s holding them back. We’d never intentionally hurt them, but that’s what happens when we aren‘t allowing healing to take place.

It's time to drop the sword, they really don't need a soldier, they need the light that's hidden beneath your armor. Help them forgive so they can heal. And in order for you to aid in that process, you probably have some things to confront in yourself. It's time to put your anger aside, choose forgiveness and move on. After all, isn't that what your loved one deserves? Step up, be a leader and stop infecting their wounds.

So what CAN we do? There’s been plenty of times in our lives where we’ve been wronged, sometimes even publicly. I wish I could tell you that, since we're the "perfect couple" and in the "perfect ministry", we handle every situation correctly and the pain of betrayal doesn't even sting. But, let's be real instead. It hurts incredibly bad and I hate every second of it! Of course I want everyone to love us, our family, our ministry, our businesses, everything. But it's just not reality and also not a promise I've found anywhere in the word either. In fact, not only does the scripture acknowledge enemies, but tells us exactly how to treat them:

Matthew 5:44 MSG

"I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-Created selves."

I love the wording in the Message translation, "let them bring out the best in you, not the worst." It's easy to play into the hatred found around you. It's easy to strike back when you feel attacked. Easy isn't the road we've been called to.  We've been called to love.  ALWAYS.  Even beyond our own comprehension.  Even when it doesn't make sense and it's not what our emotions are saying.  Forgiveness is a choice, not an emotion.  It's a choice we have to make when we don't feel like it.  When it hurts.  When the last thing we want to do is drop it and move on.  But that's exactly what we have to do. 

Mark 11:25 AMP

"Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, LET IT GO), in order that your Father who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop."

When I find myself at what seems to be my limit, when the hurt seems too much, I have to turn my focus from my own limitations, and in prayer, ask that my Father expands my understanding of His love, grace and mercy for me.  Because, as I continue to grow in that understanding, I also grow in my capacity to extend it to others.  This is where my mind and emotions start to catch up with my choice to forgive.  This is where peace takes over.   

2 Thessalonians 3:16

"Now may the Lord of peace Himself grant you His peace (the peace of His kingdom) at all times and in all ways [under all circumstances and conditions, whatever comes]. The Lord [be] with you all."

Living in peace and forgiveness is infinitely greater than the bitterness that inevitably follows unforgiveness. If I don't choose to forgive, then I choose bitterness by default. Bitterness seeks revenge. Revenge feels good, for a short period of time, until it doesn't anymore. Thus the cycle repeats. Forgiveness allows the peace of God to fill our hearts and minds, mending those broken places, bringing complete healing. I will choose peace over bitterness any day.