WHEN THERE'S NO ANSWER TO "WHY?"

Disclaimer: This piece was written in the midst of great pain and frustration after the loss of someone we held very dear. He was our mentor in ministry and marriage, our confidant, and most importantly, our friend. We ministered together and cried together as we watched people give their lives to the Lord. We traveled all over the world, quoted movies and sang ridiculous songs together. Several years into our marriage, he literally cornered each of us and forced us to confront issues that were destroying our relationship, therefore helping us save it. When we lost him, it rocked us to our very core. So this post is raw and was written through tears as I questioned God and searched for answers, some of which I still don’t have and probably never will. If I was still at this shaken place in my faith when the enemy attacked my health in 2019, I don’t know if I’d be here sharing this today. This was my first blog entry after creating this account. When I went to God with my questions and anger, I felt like I was supposed to write through it, so I did. I’ve done this a lot in my life, writing has always helped me process, but this was the first time I committed to going blog-style. I wasn’t sure I’d ever share this one publicly, but the Lord used it to show me how far I’ve come over the past few years, and I think it’s worth a few moments of vulnerable honesty, especially if it helps you, or someone else, work through something similar. This is only a glimpse of my journey. It may only take a few minutes to read, but it represents months of me struggling with these frustrations and finally getting to the place that I was fed up with the hurt, recognizing the potential harm if I didn’t get past it, and how God began rebuilding my faith in this area, until it was stronger than ever. He's pretty amazing like that! You see, He met me right where I was, with all my doubt, fear and mistrust, even though He'd done nothing to break it in the first place, and He reminded me of his faithfulness in the most loving and gentle way. Our Father always knows exactly what we need, He's often just waiting on us to be receptive. Force-feeding just isn't quite his style, and I'm so thankful for His gentleness, especially in times like these.

A few months ago we lost a great man. Daughters lost their father, a wife lost the love of her life, so many ached at his departure. And we were all left with the same question, "Why?". I don't understand it, and I'm not sure I ever will. Did he catch a glimpse of heaven and lose the desire to return? Why weren't our prayers answered? We believed God, we spoke His words of healing over him, we did everything we've been taught to do, and yet...

I don't know that we'd understand the answers if we got them, and by the time we're on the other side of heaven, I doubt it'll even be on our minds. But for now, it just hurts. I want to understand and I want to be angry. It's rocked my faith more than anything I've ever faced. Not that I doubt God or his goodness, but I do find myself struggling to believe for healing for myself more than ever before. I know it's the enemy, but when I think about my healing, I'm reminded of the hundreds of people that were standing in faith for my friend. Men and women of such GREAT faith were standing for him, literally, all around the world. My own father-in-law/Pastor, who has greater faith than most I've ever known, was by his side and prayed over him. "If it didn't work for him, why should it work for me?" Those words keep creeping in and I’ve let them linger for too long. It’s past time to say “ENOUGH!!”

I know, we're not supposed to have those kind of doubts, right? Especially because we're in ministry. Pastors shouldn't question God and should always remain in unwavering faith as pillars of perfection, right? Well, truth bomb: we're still human! We’re far from perfect, just like you. Just because our position in ministry may be different than yours, it doesn’t mean we are exempt from flaws or temptation or any of the other junk the enemy hurls around. I know I'm grieving and this is part of me processing and everything, but I really wish I could say I've been standing strong. I wish I could say I understood it all, that I see the purpose and that it all makes sense when seeing how God was glorified in the midst of such a tragedy. And honestly, He really was! His funeral was one of the best messages of the gospel I've been part of. His family has looked satan in the face and said "WE STILL WIN AND GOD IS STILL GOOD!". His passing has ignited a fire in so many and his legacy will continue to transform this world and the lives around it. And I truly am thankful for all of that, but it still just SUCKS. I want to know WHY! I want my friend back. Why do some people get a miracle and others are left bewildered? I want to understand. But, I also know that I have a choice to make here. I can either focus on the parts I don’t understand, continue to entertain the doubt, and allow the enemy to continue to creep in, OR I can choose to dive into what I do know.

So, what do you do when you don't understand? When you've exhausted every angle and still can't find a solution? You anchor yourself in what you do know. I remind myself of the truths I hold dear:

I know that God is good. Psalm 135:3

I know that God is faithful. Psalm 100:5

I know that God is love. 1 John 4:8

I know that He gives me peace that surpasses all understanding. Philippians 4:7

I know God is my healer. James 5:15

I know healing is a promise to those that follow God. Exodus 23:25

I know that his grace is sufficient for anything I face. 2 Corinthians 12:9

I know that, in His presence, is complete joy. Psalm 16:11

I know I can be honest with Him, He already knows my thoughts. Psalm 139:2

I know He gives knowledge to those that ask. James 1:5

I know He is my refuge Psalm 91:2

So I will choose to take shelter in His comfort and peace, in these truths, instead of running away from them, while He mends my broken heart. I will be diligent to remind myself of these truths when that liar tries to sneak back in. I may not understand everything that happens in this life, and I may have questions that are still unanswered, but I also have a God that is unfailing and I will choose to trust in Him because He has every answer.