It’s a fixed fight!

It’s Sunday evening and as I sit on the patio and listen to the kids giggling in the pool and reflect on the events of the past few weeks, even months, I’m in awe of the faithfulness of our Father and overwhelmed with emotion. Our world has been shaken with the kind of news no one wants and we don’t even have an answer (medically speaking) to what exactly we’re facing yet. Let me back up a little to explain. A few weeks ago, I went to the doctor for some persistent digestive issues, which I had began to suspect was my gallbladder. A couple weeks after being sent for an ultrasound, I was called to go in “immediately” to pick up an order for a CT scan, as the ultrasound had finally come back and shown “multiple concerning nodules” (aka growths or tumors) on my liver. Not even a mention of the gallbladder that they were originally concerned about and running tests for. Just, “We need you to come today and get this scheduled immediately.” What?! How is that not supposed to freak me out?! I couldn’t process the instructions quickly enough to even ask one single question, so I just said “Ok, I’ll be right there.” I called Jason on my way to their office and, of course, he had ALL the questions, to which I had zero answers. I could have used his inquisition skills when the nurse called me and I just froze! I just knew we needed to do what they asked, so I picked up the order and scheduled the test. The hospital got me in right away and now we’re playing the waiting game. I hate this game.

Since I’m terrible at the whole waiting thing, and I’m a researcher to the core, I just can’t help but google everything...EVERYTHING. Jason often laughs at me because at any mention of the phrase “I wonder...”, and I’ve already got my browser window up and ready to find the answer to the question, the origin to the word or phrase, or whatever useless fact we’re about to discover. I know a lot of useless facts, due to this obsession. But, researching what was possibly going on with my body, was probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. Of course, google always unearths the worst possibilities. I’m pretty sure you could goggle “papercut” and it could somehow lead to death. Actually, I just fact checked that, and on the first page it states “could cause sepsis and lead to death“. 🙄 Even knowing this, my mind has run wild for the past few days. I’ve obsessed over every possible diagnosis, based on my limited knowledge of what’s happening. I’ve hardly slept, which has just lead to more obsessive research into this black hole. Guys, it’s been an ugly few days! Last night, in the midst of another sleepless search for answers, I finally had enough. Honestly, I think the Holy Spirit gave me a mental snap-out-of-it slap! I decided I was done looking for answers and committed to myself that every time I had the urge to turn to the internet, I would read God’s promises instead.

This morning, during worship, I poured my heart out to God, determined to not walk in fear, but rest in his promises. Through tears I cried out the words to Wilder Waters, “I’m not afraid with you” (lyrics below for reference). Honestly, I couldn’t even get the words out of my mouth at first, because it wasn’t true. I was terrified! But every time I sang those words, it got a little easier and I believed it a little more. I sobbed, huge ugly tears, right there on the front row of our sanctuary, as God replaced my fear with trust. I had allowed fear to consume me this past week. I know better than to do that! I grew up learning about standing in faith, we’ve taught it for years, we’re PASTORS. Well, guess what?! Sometimes our world gets rocked too and we come face to face with the opportunity to walk it out. This time, I allowed fear to sneak in the back yard and before I even knew it, he’d wrecked my whole house. Fear is thug like that. Thank God, His restoration works just as fast and after just a few moments of vulnerability, I was standing in a place of strength once again. I know we are under attack and I’m not the least bit willing to sit back and take it. God was working so strongly on me and He woke a determination inside of me. As worship came to a close, Daniel gave a word from the Lord, here’s my best summary:

“Someone, either here or watching online, actually, I believe it’s multiple people that have been diagnosed with a growth in your body. I don’t know if it’s cancer or what, but it’s something that doesn’t belong there. As I was partaking of the communion table a few minutes ago, I got this mental image as I opened my mouth to give thanks for the bread, the broken body of the Lord. I saw it going out of my mouth and onto Jesus. I want you to get that image on the inside of you. As you give thanks I want you to see those growths going out of you and onto Jesus. They are disappearing as you give thanks. And when you get those results in future tests, you’re going to come back and give that testimony, so that others may be encouraged about the goodness of the Lord.”

I knew from the first few words that this was for me. I expect the results of the CT in the next few days. I know in my spirit that those results will not be what we want to hear. BUT, I also know that there is a miracle taking place in my body and I cannot be moved by tests that were performed before that miracle began to transform my situation. Praise God! He has given us the answer before the results are even in! The fight was fixed from the start! How awesome is that?!

I want to say it’s easy and I’m totally okay, but that would be a blatant lie. It’s HARD. I walked out of service today on such a spiritual high. I was confident, determined, full of faith and ready to kick the devil in his ugly teeth! This carried over to most of the afternoon. But, then it got quiet. The kids went outside to play, Jason was in his post-Sunday service sleep-watching TV state and fear came knocking again. I have two kids, a husband and a long list of things we have still to accomplish in our lives. That “c” word that I’ve been so fearful of, it‘s not a part of any of it! The “what if’s” are coming in droves and the battle to shut them up is unending. What if I have to have surgery? Quit my job? What if I’d gone to the doctor 6 months ago when these symptoms started? And my kids? What do I tell my kids? And my mom that’s 600 miles away? How do I explain what’s happening over the phone? There are so many questions and they’re coming in faster than I could fight them off. I just wanted to scream “STOP!!!” But instead, I popped in headphones to drown them out with worship and chose to focus on promises instead of problems. Now, I’m sitting here praying and writing and determined to chase away any fear with the promise that I am healed. I already have the only answer I need. I don’t believe it’s an accident that this nasty battle began today with the answer: I AM HEALED!! So I will continue to remind myself that the fight is fixed! And instead of focusing on all the questions about what if, I am choosing to focus on the testimony this will be. I don’t know how the story of this testimony will unfold, but I do know it ends in victory.

This is me, blogging every part of the battle, the good, the bad, the ugly and grand finale that’s certainly to come. For now, it‘s private, a personal release of emotions, experiences and processing the “why’s”. I know someday I will have the release to publish it and my hope and prayer is that it will be a beacon of hope to those that find themselves in trying moments. Because, when we stand on the other side of this victory, with proof in hand of a miracle that could only be orchestrated by God, we have our own war to wage against the enemy and that one is fixed too! We are going to be walking, taking, LIVING testimonies of the goodness of our Father and we are going to scream it from the rooftops and bring waves of people into the knowledge of a God that is MADLY in love with them!

Praise God, the fight is fixed and victory is OURS!!!

WILDER WATERS - Elevation Youth https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QZFqu5eu6Z4 Your Spirit is alive and He's moving Stirring in the hearts of the young and old Calling us Your sons and Your daughters Drawing every child to the Father's heart

Your Spirit is our guide and our comfort Soldier and defender to all who call If You are for us what can defeat us For none can stand against

Open our eyes to see You are our God and You're always near Casting out every fear Glorious one, You are all we need

Like a river running wild Your Spirit is alive Flooding deep within my soul Your Spirit won't run dry

Through the darkest of the night Your Spirit is my guide I'll never be the same I'll never be the same

Your Spirit is our guide and our comfort Soldier and defender to all who call If You are for us what can defeat us For none can stand against

Open our eyes to see You are our God and You're always near Casting out every fear Glorious one, You are all we need

Like a river running wild Your Spirit is alive Flooding deep within my soul Your Spirit won't run dry

Through the darkest of the night Your Spirit is my guide I'll never be the same I'll never be the same

You call me out to wilder waters I'm not afraid with You I'm not afraid with You

You are my strength and my defender I will not be moved I will not be moved

You call me out to wilder waters I'm not afraid with You I'm not afraid with You