Cocoa Puffs

I’m a stress eater. It’s something I’ve battled my entire adult life. To be honest, I’m just an all out emotional eater. It’s how I became 60+ lbs overweight! I eat when I’m happy, sad, stressed, celebrating, mad, bored, etc. Except for when I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum doing manual labor or just totally focused on a project deadline where I’m too distracted to eat, which is just as unhealthy. In my weight loss journey I have made a point to kick this harmful habit, and intentionally changed the way I address emotion and focused on eating more consistent, healthier meals. The results have been great and I’m nearing my healthy weight goal, but it’s taken a lot of time, discipline and attention to get here! But, when stress is high, the temptation is so real to return to old habits.

Yesterday I got the call. The results are in and they’ve requested I come in first thing today to discuss the test with my doctor. Most of me feels confident in the fact that I already have the answer (see previous post) and prepared for what lies ahead. I know there’s a testimony of a miracle forming here and I’m going to shout it from the rooftops when the time comes! But, theres still all those questions tying to bubble to the surface and it is a constant, exhausting battle to fight them off and not entertain the answers.

Yesterday, after I got the call, I saw a friend’s post of her family (daughter and grands) at the beach and she was rocking an adorable bikini. As I finished typing the words “I hope when I’m a grandma someday I can be as cool and smoking hot as you!! 😎”, the emotion and questions flooded back in. I began to remind myself again of God’s promises and instead of allowing the question of ”Will I even have those opportunities?” to linger, I began to envision my future. Jason and I playing on the beach, with Brooklyn and Connor grown, and their families, our beautiful grands, giggling around us. Just as I begin to find myself in a better place, I get a notification of my friend’s response “You will be!”. She has no idea what I’m facing right now, hardly anyone in our life does. I know she’s just being a sweet, modest friend with a lighthearted reply, not understanding that I’m over here battling to see any future at all, let alone one where I’m smoking hot in a bikini!! Shoot, that wasn’t even my intention when I made the fun loving comment! I had no idea it would hit me like a ton of bricks as I sent it! But those simple words in her response were a wave of confirmation to me. YES I WILL! I WILL see my children grow up, get married and have my grandbabies. We WILL take awesome beach vacations together and I WILL look smoking hot in my rockin bikini! I WILL!

So today, I woke up ready to face the challenge. I spend time building myself up in the word before getting out of bed. I finally walk into the kitchen and see my little boy devouring a bowl of Cocoa Puffs like it’s the best thing on earth. He looks up from his bowl and with his milky smile says, “Want some cereal momma?” I desperately want to sit down and enjoy a bowl with my little boy! Usually, I would suppress such a craving and head to the blender for a protein shake. I know Cocoa Puffs have just about zero nutritional value and I shouldn’t even have them in the house, so don’t even start with me! But today, I’m not turning to them for comfort or to fill a void, as I once would have. Today, they’re symbolic. Today, they’re a statement. Today is about enjoying the moment with my son. And not because “I need to make the most of the time we have left” or any other dark reasoning like I COULD focus on. But, facing this mountain has certainly put some things in perspective for me and in this moment I decided to just eat the dang Cocoa Puffs! As I savored every bite of this 99% sugary cereal and discussed various super powers with my 6 year old, I also savored the moment in time. Some day, in the not so distant future, early morning cereal and conversations with Mom probably won’t make the top of his to-do list. So, this morning, I chose to focus on Cocoa Puffs and Connor, instead of this battle happening within me, and it was so beyond worth every single empty calorie! This is such a sweet and precious time in his life and I want to make sure I soak in every moment until we move into the next precious season!